I need a vacation. Not a load up in my car and drive across the mountains to see my family or fiancé kind. No, I need a real vacation. The kind where I get to fly someplace I've never been, stay in a hotel, order room service, sleep late, follow no schedule, visit a spa, take fun photos, relax like I haven't in years, and pretend I don't actually work for a living. I need a real vacation. Did I mention that?
It doesn't have to be anyplace super fancy or amazingly cool. And I don't want to go alone, I want my fiancé with me. I simply need a break from the routine of life, preferably someplace pretty. I need to recharge my soul; the little red warning light is flashing. It's been 12 years since my last real vacation.
Today the temptation to pull up Travelocity, pick a random city, and book a hotel/flight/car package for two was almost overwhelming. They make it so easy. Sadly, all my vacation time has been consumed or promised to others. I have none left for my spontaneous flight of fancy. Just knowing this makes me tired, and makes me realize how much I need a real vacation (I'm also too responsible to leave on a whim).
And I know I'm not alone.
In two days I've talked to two people who have shared my lack of vacation relaxation. They told their tales of out-of-town family who believe that every free day off should be spent traveling to and visiting with them. The three of us wondered, who is more selfish? Is it us for wanting to reclaim the time we've worked so hard to earn and use it as we please? Or is it them for expecting us to drive or fly to different states for a family visit every time we take a few days off?
I don't know the answer, and today I don't care. Today, I just want a real vacation.
I can relate. I haven't had a real vacation in a long time. Not as long as you, but it's been a while. Hope you and Steven get some time off together soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Michelle! I hope you do too.
DeleteToday is one of those days for me. I actually went to travel websites and fantasized about where I could fly away to after work. In my mind I went to Paris and Rome. In reality I'll be going home to my husband, kids, and aging dad. I need a break.
ReplyDelete@Kris: Paris and Rome – now that's a fantasy!
DeleteI took a weekend or two away like that when I was splitting up with my ex-boyfriend. It was much needed time away from the stress and mess of my life.
ReplyDeleteGetting away for a vacation is exactly what you need after a breakup.
Delete@Nan: I was thinking the same thing, but I was thinking that a break-up vacay wasn't the same as a fun-for-the-hell-of-it vacation.
DeleteOn the completely other hand, a real vacation is probably a good thing, regardless of the circumstances.
Sorry about your break-up tho. Vacation or no vacation, break-ups suck big time. How are you doing?
Calgon! Take me away! Yeah, I'm there now. I need a vaca and all my family out of state think it needs to be with them. All my vaca's the past five years have been with them. No offense, but I really want to go someplace else. A remote beach, a cruise, I don't care. Just make sure there's somebody there to pamper me! LOL! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Emerald Ears. Make it away from everyone and provide me with pampering!
DeleteI think my last vacation was about 8 years ago. I used to think I was the only one I knew who didn't take vacations. It seemed like every day, I was hearing someone talk about where they were going or where they'd just come from, and it was never family or friends. It was always some frickin' exotic, enviable locale. I was like, how come everybody gets to go someplace every year except poor, pitiful me? But apparently I'm not the only one who needs to call 1-800-CALGON.
ReplyDeleteLucky for me, I have a feeling I'm going to be going someplace special with someone even more specialer very soon.
You're not alone dude. I think people stay at home and Google places the wish they could go to, then come back and tell everybody they were there. Pics? Photoshop.
DeleteLet me see, would that someone special be little old me? ;-) Honeymoon!
DeleteI used to think the same thing. I wondered how in the world everyone except me could afford to go on vacations. It wasn't fair. Maybe you're right @Andrew. Maybe they made it all up.
I'm guessing @Steven64 is your fiance. Sweet! Hope you two have a great honeymoon somewhere!
DeleteI'm thinking they made it up. I know a lot of people who say they've been on great vacations, but I still can't figure out how they do it. Maybe that was back in the day when people just charged it to a credit card and say whatever. WE'll pay it off some other day. Not anymore.
@Andrew: Seriously, I wonder if people made sh*t up. Surely not. Come to think of it though, I don't recall any of these people bringing vacation photos into the office...
Delete@Peaches: Good guess! ;-) Yep, Christy and I were official as of Feb 14. (And no snarky cracks about getting engaged on Valentine's Day. We got plenty of that on FB. lol!) Our first official act (after actually getting married) will be a honeymoon with just ourselves and about 1000 strangers!
And does anybody know the proper etiquette for telling family that you'd rather spend a week on an Alaskan cruise than party in Poughkeepsie with them? LOL!
ReplyDeleteSay it with flowers. Or cigars. Or a beer. Just send a text. :P
DeleteJust say no? Just say NO! Just say, no. Just say, no thank you...we're going on an Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon! See ya!
Delete@Andrew: I like the text idea. "goin 2 alaska, c u l8r"
DeleteYou should try one of these place. I'd love to visit one of them! I can't afford it though. Never have been able to. All I can do is dream. Guess that will have to be enough.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.homedit.com/12-best-spa-resorts-around-the-world/
@Peaches: OMG! The photos in the link you posted are BEAUTIFUL. Neither are real big sun-worshippers, so an Alaskan cruise is probably what we're gonna stick with. My mom went on one last year with her one of her best friends and loved it. I'm looking forward to seeing big oceans and icebergs. We both recently got some really cool photography gear, so our honeymoon is also gonna be a bit of photo safari.
DeleteAnd keep dreaming about your dream vacation, @Peaches. Dreaming is underrated. Personally, I think dreaming's pretty damn good. :-)
An Alaskan Cruise sounds nice!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to you on your upcoming wedding! Whenever it is. I offer some words to you. As someone who has lived several lifetimes of love, heartache, and experience. I am 73.
New love is wonderful! That time when you only have eyes for each other. No one else exists. Very nice time in your lives. Enjoy every minute of it. Never take each other for granted. Never look at another person they way you should each other. Keep the fires burning bright.
Don't ever stray or be tempted. Wake to each other every day and be thankful for what you have. Know that forbidden fruit is exciting, but it poisons the purity of your love. Keep your vows sacred. Even as you are engaged.
Keep your eyes on each other. Flirting is fun, but can be dangerous. Be cautious. In real life and online.
Don't get involved with someone online. Don't look at sexual pictures of another and write secret letters, chat, or webcam. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're not having an affair if you do. You are having an affair. Even if it is only electronic. It is still cheating. You are betraying the person you love. Stay true to your love. Stay pure in your love. Do not betray your love by telling someone else you want to be with them, touch them, kiss them. Whether you think so or not, it damages your relationship.
Try to not go to bed angry. Make amends. Even if it takes all night. Forgive and move on it from it. Don't hold grudges. Heal and let the other person heal. Grudges keep you both stuck in the past.
Take time for each other every day. Look into each other's eyes. They truly are the windows to the soul. You will be reminded why you fell in love. Do this every day.
Be there for each other. Good times and bad times. Don't turn to someone else to talk. Turn to each other. Always turn to each first.
You must be friends as well as lovers. It is important to have both elements. Your mind, soul, and body must connect. If you don't have all, find a way to reconnect to all. Stay connected.
Touch every day. Feel each other. Know the body of the other person and try new things. There is a lot to learn. You don't know everything about each other yet. No matter how long you have been together. Trust me as an old woman. There is still more to know.
Talk and do things together. Play together. This keeps you connected. Always incorporate fun together into your lives.
Stay connected. In all areas, stay connected. Mind, body, and soul -- stay connected to each other.
Thank you for the congrats and advice, @Farrah Sengupta. This is our second time around, so we've learned a lot of this, but a little reminder never hurts. :-)
DeleteAnd welcome to my blog! It's always great to have a new active member.
@Farrah: Thank you so much for the congrats AND the words of wisdom. Christy and I aren't 73 yet, but we've learned a great deal of what you said already.
DeleteWe're best friends and we laugh often every day. I think the best advice you offered was something I was taught many years ago: don't go to bed angry. That can be a tough one for me because I'm stubborn, but I work on it every day.
Thanks for commenting and nice to see you here! I hope we'll see more of you. :-)
Thank you, Mr. Steven. I'm happy to be here. This is a lovely blog and you have a beautiful wife-to-be. I hope you read my words with an open heart. There is something in it that you are meant to know. I believe that. It was placed on my heart to write it to you and Christy. Please read it twice if necessary. I have only good intentions. Peace and love to you.
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DeleteMy heart breaks for you, sweet Sarah. There is no excuse for men and women who do this. I am sorry it happened to you.
DeletePeople who cheat often tell themselves no one is getting hurt. The truth is that people like you and I get hurt. For years to come. Healing is hard, but possible. I am a survivor of a cheating husband. He had no conscience. I have gone on to love successfully. Do not let it cloud your future.
Not all men and women are without a conscience.
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DeleteA very good point. The cheating person always tries to make the spouse out to be the bad person. It's hard to be a good spouse when the significant other isn't committed to the relationship. If the wife is meeting other men, she isn't trying to save the marriage. If the husband is dating other women, he isn't trying to save the marriage.
DeleteBut we should focus on the positive here. You are no longer with this man. Correct? And so you are better for it.
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DeleteNo worries from me. I'm retiring now to see my husband. Have a blessed evening.
DeleteI think I've offended @Steven and @Christy. This makes me sad. :(
Delete@Sarah: I don't think Christy will delete your comments. Clearly this is something you needed to vent. And our blogs, mine and Christy's, are a good, safe place to do it.
DeleteI didn't realize your ex did this to you for 4 years. And I don't understand the rationale that it doesn't hurt anyone. Of course it hurts people.
I'm so sorry he hurt you so badly, @Sarah. But @Farrah's absolutely right: you're not with him any more. And that's absolutely his loss. You get to make a fresh start and he gets to live with himself, apparently alone.
Side note: I always thought men were the worst offenders in the cheating category, but I was wrong. Social networking seems to have opened up a "safe zone" for women to cheat as much as men do. It's weird and sad. I also have to remind myself (as @Sarah just reminded me) that for every cheating guy, there's a cheating gal. (Or guy, for that matter.)
@Christy: I will NEVER cheat on you. If we have a problem, we'll talk about it. And we won't go to bed angry. I will repeat this as often as you need me to. I'll text you, send you an email, Skype IM you, write you an actual letter – whatever you need.
@Farrah: Thank you for being here.
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Delete@Sarah: You said it yourself right above this: you know. WE know. Yes, we need a little reassurance every now and then even when things are fine. But we know when something's...off.
DeleteYou and Kyle are fine. We're not supposed to use absolutes like "never" or "don't", but I'm gonna break that rule. Don't invent a problem that doesn't exist between you and Kyle. Don't let your past dictate your here-and-now.
Your ex did a number on you. He fucked you up big-time. But you can get past it. One step, one day at a time. If you need proof that you can overcome this, look at your old posts on our blogs. You've come a long way, baby! (Yeah, I stole that line from an old ad.) And yes, you had a meltdown today, but that happens. You were betrayed in the worst possible way by the person that you were supposed to be able to trust unconditionally. How can that not fuck with you?
You're gonna be okay. You and Kyle are gonna be okay. Just live in the moment, live for today. Today, you and Kyle are happy. YOU'RE happy. You smile all the time and strangers probably think you look goofy. Go with it. And don't let your ex rule your life. You're better than that. And you don't deserve to have him wreck your whole life. He's yesterday's news, so toss him out.
Thank you @Steven. I needed to hear that. I'm meeting him for dinner tonight. I need to go take a hot bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, and relax before he gets here. My nerves are shot.
DeleteYou'll be fine. The bubble bath sounds luscious! Have a glass of wine, get gussied up, and go have a wonderful, relaxing evening.
DeleteAnd y'kmow what? Tell him about today. Share your fears and what you wrote and all that. If he's the guy you believe he is, he'll listen.
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Delete@Christy can you delete my posts? I thought I could but I can't. I'm sorry I posted them. Please delete them for me if you can.
DeleteOK noevermind. I figured it out for myself.
DeleteMr. Steven, your heart is good. You are a good friend. You and your Christy will have a happy future.
DeleteI hope I didn't offend.
ReplyDeleteNo, you didn't. I work during the day and can't read or make comments unless I take a break or at the end of the day. Same for @Steven.
DeleteThank you, dear Christy. I was hopeful my words were not taken offensively. I offer only words from my heart. I know I am a stranger, but I felt moved to speak them to you and your husband-to-be. I hope you both read them.
DeleteNo offense at all, @Farrah! I think you just caught us both on particularly busy mornings. Your comments and advice were most welcome.
DeleteThank you, Mr. Steven! You make me feel so welcome!
DeleteThank you, Mr. Steven! You make me feel so welcome!
ReplyDeleteI make you feel welcome because you are, Farrah!
Delete@Farrah I hope you come back. @Christy's blog is usally a very nice place. I feel very bad that I went off on your comment yesterday and today. It was uncalled for. I haven't had an easy few years. Please come back and don't let me keep you away. @Christy and @Steven are great people.
DeleteTo anybody I might have put off with my language yesterday and today I'm sorry. It wasn't called for and I shouldn't have done that on this blog. That language isn't used here. I'm very sorry for disrupting @Christy blog with my anger. I have some work to do on some personal issues. I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow. Thank you and I hope you forgive me if you happened to read my comments. I need to check myself before I comment publicly. Thank you @Steven for being a kind friend. Thank you @Farrah for being a kind stranger.
ReplyDeleteOK. Hope people can forgive me. I'm taking my wine and going to bed now. Goodnight internets.
ReplyDeleteIs anybody reading this anymore or did mess it up. :(
ReplyDeleteI haven't read any of your new comments yet, but I'm certain you didn't mess up. ;-)
DeleteI am reading Miss Sarah. All is well.
ReplyDelete@Sarah: Part of the comment you deleted was good. You told him everything and you talked it out over dinner. That's good! Talking things out is always better than bottling it up inside and letting your imagination get the better of you. Whenever I've had an issue, the longer I wait to talk it out, the worse I make the outcome in my head. So ya done good, girl!
ReplyDeleteThank you @Steven. I wish hadn't read what @Farrah wrote now. It's caused me all kinds of problems. How can things change so fast? Well they do.
Delete@Sarah: I know what @Farrah wrote brought up a lot of crap that you thought you'd resolved. BUT -- if you still have unresolved stuff swirling around inside you, it's better for you to know it than not. It's painful and it's frustrating, but necessary to face all this crap, sort it out, and, ultimately, cast it aside.
DeleteI know the process is hard. Believe me, I know. So I don't say all this lightly. I know letting go of hurt and anger is extremely difficult. Hell, it's tiring. But the struggle is SO worth it when you come out the other side stronger and wiser. And happier. MUCH happier.
You're not experiencing anything weird or wrong, @Sarah. We've all been there at some time in our lives. And we got thru it. You will too.
Just give yourself time. And give yourself a break! ;-)
I just hope Kyle gives me time and a break. I know I'll make it through this because I made it through all the other stuff. I just hope HE gives me a break. That's all I'm worried about. I don't want to lose him over my old issues. :(
DeleteEverything is a season, Miss Sarah. I know it does not help, but change happens for a reason. When the timing is right, it will change for the better. Be kind with yourself.
ReplyDelete@Farrah: Absolutely true. I've gone thru a couple of really terrible times, and I honestly don't know exactly what changed to make me better. But I got better. I do know that forgiving myself was hard and huge and helpful. When I look back, I like myself a lot more now than when I was younger. That was a huge step for me.
Delete@Sarah: Like yourself. Know that you deserve the best. And don't let anyone from your past or present tell you differently. No one should have the power to control how you feel about yourself. So don't give it to them, dammit.
That's easier said than done @Steven. I know I shouldn't give other people the power to make me feel a certain way, but they do make me feel a certain way. I'm glad you made it through your bad times and like yourself more now.
DeleteI wrote this with you in mind Miss Sarah. I hope it does not offend.
Deletehttp://farrahsengupta.blogspot.com/2013/03/embrace-life.html
@Sarah, it's absolutely easier said than done. Hell, if it was easy, everybody would be doing it. No one would be insecure; no one would lie or cheat; no one would be selfish or mean.
DeleteHere's the hook: No one can make you feel a certain. You can just choose to react or respond a certain way to someone's words or behavior.
I know that probably sounds simplistic, but it's true. And I didn't make that up, someone once told me that. It took me a while to figure out that they were right. I have the power to process what someone has done to me, and then I can choose to let it define me, or not.
Those closest to us, those we trust the most, have the greatest potential to wield power over us. But it's our choice whether or not we GIVE them that power.
It's counter-intuitive to NOT feel bad when someone hurts us. And the hurt is natural. But WE have the power to work thru that hurt, learn from it, and move on eventually. It doesn't usually happen quickly or easily, but it can happen.
Think about it this way: A stranger in the grocery store is rude to you for no particular reason. Their behavior may put you in a funk for a couple hours, but it doesn't ruin your life. A stranger doesn't have the power to ruin your life because they were unkind or unfair to you. So why should anybody else? Answer: they don't.
Why is there a reply thing under @Farrah's comment?
Delete@Farrah I commented on your blog. I know you mean well and I thank I guess. I'm not offended. I'm just confused but thanks anyway.
I meant why ISN'T there a reply thing
Delete@Sarah: I think there was a reply thing under @Farrah's initial comment, but it's way up toward the top.
DeleteI don't want to hurt anymore but how do you work thru it? How do keep somebody from having power over you. The opinion of the stranger in the grocery store doesn't matter to me. Kyle's does. I care about what he thinks about me and it matters. If he hates me or is mad at me or thinks I'm crazy or whatever then it matters. It does affect my life. He isn't a stranger in a grocery store. There's a big difference.
ReplyDeleteYes, there's a big difference between a stranger and someone you're intimate with. But how you work thru it is basically the same.
DeleteWith Kyle, if you're fearful of how he's feeling about you, talk to him about it. If he's unable or unwilling to talk about it right now, give him the time and space he need to sort out his thoughts. Your anxiety level may be in overdrive, but you can't force the issue. I know with me, trying to force an issue I'm not ready to talk about just shuts me down even more.
All you can do is share how you feel. You can't control his response. The hardest thing to do is to go into this without expectation, but that's also the best thing to do. You want to try to come up with the perfect thing to say or do to illicit the response you want, but you may not get it. The only person you can truly control is yourself.
I see you've lost 16 pounds @Christy! Congratulations!!!! That's so GREAT!!!!!!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI need to start losing weight again. I haven't been doing so well the past few months. I gained back everything I lost before. How are you doing it?
@Sarah: Yeah, I'm answering for Christy again. LOL!
DeleteHow's she losing weight? She's been extremely disciplined. She's watching what she eats and she's exercising 4 to 5 days a week. As a result, she's losing weight every week and making me feel like a slob. lol!
Has your weight been an issue with Kyle?
Thanks @Sarah. I'm working very hard to lose the weight and keep it off for the rest of my life. It's about changing my lifestyle and never going back.
Delete@Steven is right, I've become extremely disciplined about watching what I eat and exercising. I look for recipes online that are low in fat, calories, and sodium so they work for both Steven and me. I always take my lunch to work, cook meals at home using low fat/no fat and low sodium/no sodium or fresh ingredients. What I've found is that the food tastes better and it doesn't really take much longer than using processed, boxed items.
I will reach my goal within the next few months. :-)
Well at least one of you answered me here. Not on Google+ though. Did you see my message on Google+ at all @Christy and @Steven? A reply would be the polite thing to do.
DeleteThanks for responding to what I wrote here.
@Sarah: Did you see my reply that I posted above on March 19?
DeleteSorry @Steven. Yes I did.
DeleteNo worries, @Ms. Scott. ;-) May your visionquest be enlightening. Just go easy on the peyoté.
Delete@Everybody this article talks about what I was talking about one time here. It talks about how people put only their best pictures online and only share the great stuff happening in their lives, and how we need to connect more in person instead of just looking at what's online. I highly recommend everybody reading it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/tech/stop-instagramming-your-perfect-life
It's time people stopped buying into the "perfect" worlds that people create online and start reconnecting with people that matter in real life. I've started connecting with more people in real life and it's been GREAT!
Give the REAL people in your life MORE of your time and your attention. Don't let the online people take over. If you're ditching your real people to be with online people, something is wrong. Ask yourself why you're doing this.
Nothing is as good as REAL LIFE! I promise you! I'm learning this now. Live in the real world. Let the real people in.
Online people tend to be very fake. They are marketing themselves. Trust me. They are.
It's all a game for some of them.
They are only posting the pics they want you to see. Think about it. You aren't seeing the bitchy them. You aren't seeing the no makeup them. You aren't seeing the them that smells bad and has bad breath. You aren't seeing the them that isn't sexy. You aren't seeing the them that has spinach in their teeth. You aren't seeing the PMSing them. You aren't seeing the sick and vomiting them. You aren't seeing the obnoxious drunk them. You aren't seeing the bad side of them at all. You just see the good side that they want you to see.
It's all about marketing. It's all about fantasy.
That's all it is. FANTASY!
Keep that in mind people. It's just fantasy.
Thank you for sharing, @Sarah.
Delete@Sarah: That's a really good article. I read the first couple sentences of one of the comments and it reminded me of when I first got on FB. I was going thru a really bad time and FB was a lifesaver. It allowed me to connect with people I hadn't spoken to -- or even thought about -- in many, many years. Eventually some of those re-connections developed into genuine friendships. And I may new friends.
DeleteLong before social networking, my bff told me never to compare myself to anyone else. Not my salary, how well I was aging, where I lived, what kind of car I drove, where I'd traveled. And she was right.
I use FB to share important moments in my life with a large group of people I like and care about. But I turn to private messages, emails and the phone for more intimate, everyday real-life stuff. I think it's important to remember that everyone's got full lives, not just dinner parties and vacations.
I tend to post photos of myself that I think are flattering. I post photos I've taken that I like. I post artwork I've done that I think might garner a compliment. I do this because it's fun and feels good. But I have no reason to post photos of myself when I've got a cold, or haven't showered, or generally feel like shit for whatever reason. Christy and the UPS guy are the only ones who get to see me like that. ;-)
I give my friends the benefit of the doubt and assume that they know I don't always look or feel 100%. I assume they know my life isn't one big party or an endless series of wonderful adventures. I assume they know that sometimes I'm broke, or haven't shaved, or spent an entire weekend watching Star Trek reruns because I had nothing better to do. I give my friends more credit than that and I believe they do the same for me.
How we respond to selective Internet content from our friends and acquaintances is up to us. We can choose to let it bring us down and feel unworthy, or we can take it for what it is: a highlight reel.
I see your point @Steven but some people don't get that. They look at all the pretty and sexy pictures and think that some woman looks like that ALL THE TIME.
DeleteShe doesn't.
She's only posting the cute and sexy pictures. Not the ones of her that look bad. Not the ones that make her look her ACTUAL AGE.
That's what I want to be sure people are realizing. There are women out there who are posting photos and who are creating a fantasy version of themselves for men to drool over.
It's wrong.
They're wrong.
They're stupid wrong sluts.
They deserve all the bad things that happen to them. They cheat on their husbands and lure other men to cheat on their wives and girlfriends. It's WRONG!
I hope those women rot in hell for what they're doing. I hate them.
No comment from anybody?
Delete@Sarah: I was debating whether or not to add another comment since we're actually way off topic. You also seem to have your mind made up, so I wasn't sure there was any point in commenting.
DeleteBut since you asked... ;-)
Do you really, honestly, in your heart-of-hearts believe that every woman that posts a flattering photo of herself online is an adulterous slut whose only intent is to have an affair with a married, or otherwise "taken", man? Really?
Before I go out anywhere, I shave, comb my hair, brush my teeth and dress neatly. It doesn't matter whether I'm going to the movies or grocery shopping. I always try to look my best. Why would I post a photo of myself online where I look like shit? NOBODY does that unless there's a specific reason, like they want their friends to know about the huge pimple they're fighting off. Or that they feel like crap because they have the flu.
You're making a blanket statement that it's wrong for women to post flattering pictures of themselves online. You said that they're stupid, wrong sluts who should rot in hell and that you hate them. That seems unfair and harsh.
You said that some people (men, I assume) think that some woman looks pretty and cute and perfect all the time. First, I doubt that most men are that dumb. We know that women don't wake up in the morning looking perfect any more than we (men) look perfect first thing in the morning. And even if a guy was stupid enough to assume that, it's not the woman's fault if he does. It's his.
We all know that some people lie, or at least stretch the truth online. They may imply that they have more money than they really do, or have a better job. Some women certainly post photos of themselves that are laughably outdated. People do it on dating sites all the time because they want to appear more desirable. It's kinda stupid, but it's not malicious.
My impression, @Sarah, is that your opinion is way skewed because of your personal experience. You ex hurt you horribly, and so did the woman he cheated on you with. But to presume that all men and women online are the same as they are isn't doing you any good. It's just going to make you bitter and paranoid.
Christy and I have spent the bulk of our time together online. Granted, we met face-to-face years ago, so it's not the same as meeting someone wholly online. But we both have an active online presence and neither of us has even THOUGHT about having an inappropriate relationship with anyone.
Most people are honest and only mean well. You need to believe that, @Sarah. Don't let your bad experience dictate the rest of your life. You're a smart, sensitive woman. And you experienced something horrible. Don't let that experience define you. Be bigger than that misfortune. Be bigger than HIM and HER and move on. Christy and I adore you. With that endorsement, we give you permission to adore yourself. :-)
@Steven no I don't believe EVERY woman on Facebook is a slut looking to hookup with a married man. BUT I DO believe there are a lot of them out there who DON'T CARE if a man is married, engaged, dating someone, or otherwise taken. They say provocative things to men to make the men feel "special" and "turned on". They send private photos to the men so the men can save them on their computers and look at them later and fantasize about them and masterbate while looking at them. They get off on knowing that these men are hot for them.
DeleteThis I know FOR A FACT. I've had at least THREE women admit it to me. THEY GET OFF ON IT.
If the men are doing this with these women, then they aren't really fully into their relatioinship with their REAL woman. THAT I know FOR A FACT. I've been there.
Ask any woman or MAN who has been cheated on or whose significant other has indulged in some kind of affair online, in person, on the phone, on email, in a chat room, whatever and they will tell you that they knew their partner WASN'T 100% invested IN THEM.
You can't be 100% in a relationship if you're pursuing other people or if you're having fantasies about other people.
So that's what I think is going on on Facebook with SOME people. Not all.
I think those people are WRONG!!! And I think everyone would agree.
What you and Christy have online is different. I'm not talking about building a relationship. I'm talking about some woman sending you sexy photos behind Christy's back and sending you sexy private messages or emails or phone calls WITHOUT Christy knowing about it. Or you sending some womane sexy private messages or emails or phone calls WITHOUT Christy knowing it. I'm talking about you engaging in a secret relationship with somebody in some form that gives you sexual pleasure. THAT'S WRONG. I'm not saying you're doing it. I'm saying that's what I'm talking about for example. How do you think Christy would feel if you were doing it and she found out? How do you think she would feel if the woman told her? It's a dangerous game people play.
Yep. I think I understand. Everything you're saying is right. Cheating is wrong, online or in person. I was just afraid that you were saying EVERY woman online who posts a flattering photo is cheating. And, of course, I don't believe that's the case.
DeleteThe thing is, if someone's going to cheat, they don't need the Internet to do it. They're going to find a way. Sad but true. Our job, as non-cheating people, is to not let them win. And by win, I mean don't let their indiscretion rule our lives. I've been cheated on, long before the Internet. It sucked and tore me up. But I eventually moved beyond that betrayal and moved forward. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have met Christy. Or I may have, but I wouldn't have trusted her. But I do, because I didn't assume that she was as duplicitous as my previous girlfriend.
You need to do the same. You need to assume that your guy isn't the same as your ex. Yeah, temptation is out there. But most of us (women and men) are able to resist it.YOU are, so assume he is too. What your ex did is reprehensible. But don't let it dictate the rest of your life. You're better than that. Like I said before, you're strong and smart. You're also sweet and kind. Don't let an asshole take that away from you! He doesn't deserve that kind've power. Fuck him and fuck the slut he cheated on you with. If his life isn't fucked up already, it will be. Don't join him in his fucked up-ness. Be bigger than he is. Be yourself. Be happy. (that sounds trite, but I really do mean it. Be happy.)
I am happy @Steven. Believe it or not. I just want people to be wary. It's so insidious. A little flirting here, a picture there, a phone call or two, and BLAM! They're into it.
ReplyDeletePeople need to be aware of what's happening as it's happening. I don't want other innocent people getting hurt like I did because they don't know what's happening behind their backs.
@Sarah: In that regard, I totally hear you. The phone call vs. emailing is a sure sign. That seems to be where it crosses the boundary.
DeleteI just didn't want you thinking that all online peeps were trashy. Some yes, but not all.