I'm ADHD and...Squirrel!

I can relate to this little sideways goat. 

I was recently diagnosed with Adult ADHD. What does it feel like? See that little goat with his head turned sideways? My thoughts have raced around at a frantic pace since I was a kid, making me feel as if I was viewing everything at a slight tilt. No neat little rows of easily accessible information for me. It's been like having the messiest filing cabinet in the world in my mind, with everything simply shoved inside in random order.

Over the years I learned tricks to help me function. I made lists at work like a mad woman, and carried a notebook with me everywhere. If I didn't write it down, it was lost forever. When I needed to remember to do something, I often left an item out so I could see it as a reminder. Getting up during boring meetings and trainings wasn't appropriate business protocol, but taking the cap off of a pen over and over and over and over was OK. So was slipping my shoes off and on, off and on, off and on under the table where no one could see. And the Internet with its online banking and automatic payments became my best friend ever. I no longer had to remember to pay any of my bills. 

I have my new husband to thank for helping me seek the help I've needed for so long. I wish I had been diagnosed so much sooner, but I've never been the typical bouncing-off-the-walls ADHD person that most people envision. I'm a daydreamer, unfocused, forgetful, fidgety, a little impulsive, hard to have a conversation with, can't follow directions, leave things partially done, and until recently was fairly good at masking and minimizing my symptoms so they didn't add up to something being "wrong" with me.

What I've come to realize is that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm just wired differently. My brain needs to be stimulated so I don't have all those symptoms that add up to ADHD. I started taking Concerta a couple of days ago and I can already feel a difference. I feel calmer, able to access information in my head easier and more quickly.

Of course, this is just the beginning of my journey. I still need to learn tools to help me live a more normal life. We'll have to figure out the right dosage of medication and I'll have to stay committed to taking it daily. But I'm looking forward to these things. I'm looking forward to never again feeling like I'm looking at the world sideways like that little goat. 

Book a Flight for Me...Anywhere

I need a vacation. Not a load up in my car and drive across the mountains to see my family or fiancé kind. No, I need a real vacation. The kind where I get to fly someplace I've never been, stay in a hotel, order room service, sleep late, follow no schedule, visit a spa, take fun photos, relax like I haven't in years, and pretend I don't actually work for a living. I need a real vacation. Did I mention that?

It doesn't have to be anyplace super fancy or amazingly cool. And I don't want to go alone, I want my fiancé with me. I simply need a break from the routine of life, preferably someplace pretty. I need to recharge my soul; the little red warning light is flashing. It's been 12 years since my last real vacation.

Today the temptation to pull up Travelocity, pick a random city, and book a hotel/flight/car package for two was almost overwhelming. They make it so easy. Sadly, all my vacation time has been consumed or promised to others. I have none left for my spontaneous flight of fancy. Just knowing this makes me tired, and makes me realize how much I need a real vacation (I'm also too responsible to leave on a whim).

And I know I'm not alone.

In two days I've talked to two people who have shared my lack of vacation relaxation. They told their tales of out-of-town family who believe that every free day off should be spent traveling to and visiting with them. The three of us wondered, who is more selfish? Is it us for wanting to reclaim the time we've worked so hard to earn and use it as we please? Or is it them for expecting us to drive or fly to different states for a family visit every time we take a few days off?

I don't know the answer, and today I don't care. Today, I just want a real vacation.

Bring On The New Year!

It's a new year, and I have a feeling it's going to be a good one! 

A Better Motto

Today is a holiday, it's snowing outside, my kitten is laying on my lap purring, I'm still in my pajamas, and I'm tired from not sleeping well last night. Don't all of those sound like great excuses to stay home snuggled under a warm blanket? I think so too, but alas, I can't. I've made a commitment to workout today.

One of the easiest commitments to break is the one I make to myself to workout. I've done it often. So this time, in order to keep my word to myself, I'm also telling someone else and making a definitive plan. I've created a workout calendar so I'll know what I'm supposed to do each day and can mark off the days I've accomplished my goal. I'm adding my workouts to my electronic calendar that syncs with every device I own. Now it will be an official appointment with myself, instead of just a vague idea of something I mean to do. I've told Steven my plan, so now I'm accountable to someone other than myself. I also have a friend at work who is going to help me by pushing me beyond what I believe are my physical limits.

We all have good intentions when it comes to working out or losing weight. We think we can do it on our own and often without a clear plan, but it takes more than just good intentions and hope that we can make it to the end. We have to know how we're going to get there, and we have to have people who can help us along the way.

S.E.L.F.    R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

It's fairly simple. Set goals. Exercise. Love yourself. Focus on fitness. Rest and relax. Eat right. Smile. Portray positive. Enjoy life. Care for others. Tell yourself you can do this.

I can follow those guidelines, and I've started by setting my workout goals and making them concrete, for the first time in my life. I have a plan.

Change Is Coming...

And it's going to be good!

My Private Paradise

The city where I live built a wonderful little park for me. The winding walking trail begins across the street from my front door and progresses down a small hill. Tall trees stand guard as the trail leads to several small grassy areas with shorter trees, planters, boulders, and flowers. Soon they will fill my private paradise with new plants, trees, art, and a small foot bridge.

As I walk through the little park, I'm greeted by various birds. During the spring, summer, and fall, a trio of doves were always there to greet me and make my day brighter. Today a gaggle of geese looked at me briefly, then went about their business. When the weather is warmer, butterflies float across my path, and grasshoppers bound joyously in the distance. It's a place of peace. It's a place where I'm usually alone and can think.

The view from below.

Of course the city didn't build it just for me, but because I'm usually the only person walking through the park on any given day, it often feels as if they designed it with me in mind. Occasionally I'll cross paths with a wayward family riding bikes or out for an evening stroll, but usually it's all mine. I never thought I'd have my own park.

We all need special places that feel as if they're all ours. These little oases give us comfort and help us recharge our batteries so we can deal with the world in a civilized manner. They help those of us who are creative reconnect with our muses. My place is a park across the street. For others, it might be a busy coffee shop or a room in their home.

Now you know mine. I hope you have yours as well.